When someone says … “Hey, let’s go to the mall!”… I usually want to reply … “Hey, let’s find a bunch of guns and shoot ourselves in the face.
I know that is a relatively quick and easy way out compared to the dismemberment I would endure rather than have to spend a few minutes at the mall … but why suffer when you don’t have to?
The mall appeals to a very specific demographic, and I don’t fit into any of them. I’m not ballin’, I’m not cruising for underage tail, and I’m still years from drinking Ensure and eating prunes. (I enjoy my plums hydrated thank you!)
 |
| Their Calves Look FANTASTIC! |
But in an act of temporary insanity, the other day I found myself in the mall. While there with my wife killing a few minutes, I found a whole new reason to hate it.
We’re all familiar with the kiosks that inhabit the center of the mall’s aisles, and we ignore them as such. However, because some idiots out there decided to feed the kiosks with money, when they get ignored, they get angry. “
I was walking to the Disney Store with Ryanne to shop for something for our daughter, when a lotion kiosk got us in its sights. And to engage us, it sent an over-eager female worker armed with a pump-handle lotion dispenser.
MAY NOT HAVE BEEN ACTUAL CONVERSATION (But you'll get the point)
“Would you like to try this fabulous cucumber-melon blend?”
“No thank you.”
“How about a honey vanilla lotion, it’s on sale.”
“No, we’re in a hurry.”
“You should try it.”
“We’re allergic to lotion, we could die if you touch us.”
“What about a coconut scent?”
This woman would not take no for an answer. I assume that the kiosk had deleted that command from her
database. By the time she finally left us alone, she was a good 2 miles from where she started. And the second that she left, we were intercepted by a woman who tried to pluck my wife’s eyebrows with a snarly pair of tweezers.
 |
| "Hi ... How can I make you feel Ugly Today?" |
The funny thing is, if the shoe were on the other foot, things would be quite different. If it were me trying to relentlessly get her to try my "brand" of lotion, it wouldn’t be salesmanship, it would be sexual harassment.
I never noticed these aggressive beauty kiosk tactics until this incident. When I’m alone in the mall, they mostly seem to ignore me. I assume this is because they don’t sell electronics or cookies. If women have to deal with this all the time, I feel sorry for them.
I think I’m going to fight fire with fire next time. If I get accosted to try some fancy hand lotion, I’ll just harass them until they visit headshotradio.com … home of terrific podcasts like The Derek and Mike Show, 3 Count Radio, and Inventors through History.
